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Thursday 27 November 2025 06:00 GMTComments
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Dear Vix,
My teenage daughter has a mixed friendship group – they’re all sweet kids and they get along really well. I often let them “hang out” at my house on a Friday but it’s always been a fairly straightforward “pick up at 10pm” scenario. Only now, she’s begging to be allowed to have the whole group – boys included – sleep over for her 14th birthday. And I’m conflicted.
On the one hand, I want to show that I trust her – we talk openly about sex and bodies and I’m not overly worried that anything inappropriate would actually happen. But on the other hand, I can’t rule out the complete possibility and am agonised by the idea that if something untoward were to occur, it would happen under my roof and therefore be my fault!
I don’t want to make my child feel bad when she’s done absolutely nothing wrong. I also don’t want her – or her friends, who are all great kids – to think I’m suspicious of them. She doesn’t understand why I’m saying “no”. How do I explain it to her?
Worried Parent
Dear Worried Parent,
What a relief to read your email. I’ve been going through something very similar – and am similarly worried about how to respect my child and not undermine my belief and trust in her.
The idea of our kids doing something they’re not ready for rings loud and can be frightening, I know. At some point we are all going to have to let go and let them get on with it – to make mistakes and to learn from them. All I hope, personally, is that when that happens, I’ll have created a warm and loving and accepting space for my kids to ask questions and to ask me for help if they need it. And it sounds like we are on the same page.
If your daughter was 16, 17, 18... I might be saying something different – that you can’t control what goes on, that you have to accept that she will be making choices – and that you can only stand by and hope she makes the right ones, based on what you’ve taught her: to be independent, to be considered (and considerate). To take care of herself and her body. To understand consent.
But I want to reassure you that at this age – while it’s overwhelmingly likely that you’re right and that nothing untoward would happen – I do think you’re making the right parental decision in saying “no”, actually.
We don’t want to demonise our kids, but we all know that teenagers can be rash, impetuous; that they can make silly decisions without fully appreciating the gravity of what they’re doing in the moment. Teenagers often tend to be more emotionally reactive and find it harder to think things through, because their brains are still developing – particularly the prefrontal cortex, which looks after reasoning and risk assessment.
At 13, your daughter and her friends simply aren’t biologically ready to make clear, rational, correct decisions all the time. And I don’t see anything wrong with you being a little extra protective until they are.
As for how to explain it to her, I would say something like this: “I know it’s annoying, but when you are teenagers, things are a bit different. When you are 13 or 14, girls and boys are getting older and don’t always make the best choices. I know you’re responsible and trustworthy and we always want you to be independent. I just think that mixed sleepovers are a bit of a risky scenario. I was once also 13 and 14 and remember what it’s like. I do understand it’s annoying, though.”
(Spoiler: my co-parent said almost exactly this in a brilliant, firm, kind and loving way. And it worked!)
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