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Despite evidence of a mental health crisis among men, there’s still a stigma attached to seeking help. Lydia Spencer-Elliot investigates why so many men will do anything but talk about their feelings – and the harm it is doing them
Saturday 29 November 2025 06:00 GMTComments
In the UK, nearly half of all men have never considered seeing a therapist (Getty/iStock)
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Sky diving. Playing padel. Running a marathon with zero training; The list of things men will do instead of going to therapy is so vast and vibrant that it’s now one corner of the internet’s favourite running joke.
In the UK, nearly half (48 per cent) of British men have never considered going to therapy, and one in 10 believe the treatment “isn’t meant for men”, according to a new survey commissioned by BetterHelp, the world’s largest online therapy platform. Their research found that men are six times more likely than women to think their friends would make fun of them for having therapy. Among those who try it, more than one in five (21 per cent) stop after a single session, with many saying they “should be able to handle things themselves”.
Meanwhile, as has been well documented during Men’s Mental Health Month this November, men are in a wellbeing crisis. Suicide is the single leading cause of death for men under 50 in the UK. Many men don’t even realise they’re struggling with depression as it’s masked by daily distractions like work and socialising. They are functioning normally, but with problematic thought patterns. Therapy won’t magically solve these issues – but it can help.
“You get an MOT on your car once a year,” says therapist Richard Whitenstall, whose father died by suicide. “If something is bothering you, go and get yourself checked out in the same way. It’s a way to understand yourself a little bit better... and it can make such a difference when you get back in the driving seat.”
Ironically, many of the men who I try to speak to about why they won’t go to therapy don’t want to talk about it. But James*, who agrees to chat under a pseudonym, says: “I think there is a kind of arrogance in thinking ‘I can solve my own problems’. I imagine there’s an emotional repression in that…” he reflects, before awkwardly caveating away from the topic altogether and onto the cold weather. “Maybe I would benefit from this, who knows?” he adds.
Whitenstall says that men are most likely to be convinced to try if they hear stories from other men who’ve done it. “They don’t know what to expect,” he says. “They have worries that have been going around their heads for years that they’ve never bounced off anybody else. Being in a vulnerable place is not comfortable for a lot of people, especially guys.”
While many women recommend therapy to their friends like it’s a new pilates studio they’ve discovered, men are often more covert if they do take the leap and start treatment.
“I had a client recently who was in his late twenties and he was speaking about it, because he was making such progress,” Whitenstall says. “He was down the pub and mentioned it and it turned out that out of a group of eight of them, five were in therapy – but none of them had ever said that. It’s often not until people notice positive changes in the person’s behaviour that it even comes up.”
“I didn’t know how it was going to land,” says 27-year-old Jared of the reason he used to keep his appointments quiet. “But that was a few years ago and it feels like the narrative has changed. It might also be because the more you do it, the more comfortable you get, but I’m borderline preachy about it now,” he says. “You go to the gym and work out... I see therapy as another form of exercise. You work on your fitness if you get out of shape.”
Of the men who have been to therapy, 73 per cent told the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy that it was helpful.
But much like dating, it can take time to find the right therapist. “There’s a high proportion of women therapists to male therapists; There aren’t very many of us, but the number is growing,” says Whitenstall. In 2022, the NHS reported that roughly 17 per cent of staff in talking therapies were male, while 80 per cent were female. “Men might feel more comfortable talking to a man. That’s something you can choose.”
There are other reasons for men to consider therapy. While suicide is the single leading cause of death for men under 50 in the UK, men’s violence against women is a leading cause of premature death for women globally, according to the Femicide Census. This was declared a national emergency last year, with the National Police Chief’s Council estimating 2 million women a year to be victims of male violence. “If you’ve got unresolved trauma, it’s like carrying around an unexploded bomb,” says Whitenstall. “It’s going to go off. It’s not an excuse for what they’re doing, but this is just a really unhealthy way it’s come out – rather than in a controlled way.”
Many men are taught to be tough as children, and this stoicism is later worn like a badge of pride. “The last time I was emotional was probably 12 years ago at my grandmother’s funeral,” Piers Morgan declared on This Morning on Men’s Mental Health Day last week. “There are times and a place for it. Men have been conditioned, oddly, in the last few years to be something that no woman I know actually wants them to be, which is a bunch of frequent blubbers.”
This is fundamentally wrong. Many women want men to be emotionally intelligent. “I wish men would communicate their feelings more often, whether good or bad,” one of hundreds of women expressing this opinion on TikTok makes clear. “I know men are conditioned to be not as in touch with their feelings, they don’t want to be seen as soft or weak, but as a woman, if a man can clearly communicate… it’s very attractive.”
Presenter and women’s rights campaigner Ashley James, who was arguing against Morgan this week, told him: “There’s human emotions. There’s not feminine emotions or masculine emotions. All people, unless you’re sociopathic or psychopathic, have emotions. Why do you think there’s a male loneliness problem?” she asked, referencing the lack of deep connection among men.
Our reductive view of masculinity is leaking into policy, too. When health secretary Wes Streeting unveiled a new Men’s Health Strategy last week to tackle issues including suicide, alcohol abuse and gambling addiction, the top line was a partnership with the Premier League. Yet, research published by Samaritans found that social pressure for men to engage with “masculine” pursuits like sport and drinking is having a negative overall effect. In fact, more than two-thirds of men (68 per cent) surveyed said they would live differently if they were free from social judgement, including taking up dancing, painting or singing.
Plus, although Streeting announced he’d earmarked £3.5m for “suicide provention projects targeting middle-aged men” last week, the health secretary used his annual statement in March to decrease NHS spending on mental health services by 0.07 per cent, which the President of the Royal College of Psychiatrists, Dr Lade Smith warned equated to a £300m loss to vital services. This hit runs alongside the NHS treating a million more people for mental health issues than it did in 2019. So, whether you’re a man or a woman, access to free care is often months away. Alternatively, online services like BetterHelp offer sessions for £45 per week, or many employers now offer mental health support as part of their wellbeing packages for employees.
“Leave your problems with us,” Whitenstall encourages anyone who could use support. “We’ll look after them so you don’t have to carry them. That’s my job as a therapist. That’s what I like to do. Whatever it is, I’ll take care of it.”
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